Saturday, May 2, 2009

Being real

It's days like this I feel like such a failure as a Mother. I don't know why people seem to think I'm this great mother. I really am not. In fact, I think I'm far lower on the scale. I don't cook for them, I am horrible at cleaning for them, I'm not even good at playing with them. Lately I feel like all I do is chase them around and yell at them.

Sadly, that's pretty close to the truth these days, not nearly enough exaggeration in there to make me feel better. David has been out of town so I've been flying solo. Add to that the fact that he gets in late tonight and we are leaving for a trip out of town for a week tomorrow morning. Recipe for disaster. I tell the kids to do something. I go to another kid to tell them to do something and by the time I get back to the first kid I find out that she didn't do anything I asked her to do. Seriously, it has been absolutely ridiculous how horribly disobedient they have been this week. They haven't behaved even remotely like themselves.

I have failed miserably. I have lost my temper more times than I can count. I hate to lose my temper. My Mom was an awesome Mom, so involved and played with us and did the coolest things for us, but that was her big pitfall as well. I have inherited her temper. I am aware of it, but that doesn't seem to help me corral it. I have had at least three sobbing breakdowns this week in front of my kids. I don't ever want to be this out of control and I'm not sure why I am. I've spent a lot of time in prayer this week as well. I know that God is there, but I feel so alone.

I guess everyone thinks I've got it all together and I don't need help, but I do. I feel like I am drowning and I will never catch up. I'm lonely too. I don't' have anyone I spend time with. I couldn't even if I wanted to because I don't have time, and they sure can't come in the house with it like this. I wish I had a Mom to turn to. I don't even feel like I have a family right now. David's family all works and are very busy people so we don't get to do much with them. My family doesn't remember I even exist unless David and I drive the halfdozen down the 12 hours to see them.

I'm clearly hormon and emotional lately and feel like this has to be rock bottom. Every time I feel like this has to be it though, I fall again. Please pray for me. I know God can get me through this and I'll come out the other side stronger, but in the meantime, I hurt. Physically and emotionally. This is me. Allowing vulnerability. Take note-it very seldom happens. Maybe that's God's plan in this, do help me learn to be more open and share my struggles. i don't know, but I know that God has blessed me with this family and he chose me, as undeserving and ill equipped as I am to have them, and I will try to lean on Him to become the Mother he would have me be.


Niecey said...

Wow, how open and honest of you. I wish more people would be this raw and real, and it would help the rest of us realize we're not failures, we're just doing our best and we all mess up.

I've had a bad 2 weeks here. I had my wisdom teeth out and the pain meds knocked me out, plus I've been in a lot of pain with what I think is a dry socket. So I've been hurting, not sleeping well and grumpy all day. Have hardly done homeschooling, the kids watched WAY more Tv than I'm happy with (technically netflix since we don't have tv, but same difference). My lack of attention to the kids makes them act out. Them acting out plus my pain and aggravation makes me yell. And it sets the whole cycle off again.

I wish I was a more playful parent. I wish I had more patience. I wish I was better at keeping the house clean. I wish I was better at homeschooling. I wish I had it all together.

I feel slightly less bad after reading that you are normal. I will pray for you, and I could use a couple myself too. It's a wonderful, beautiful responsibility, this whole raising kids thing. I love it so much. I am so scared of screwing it up.

I really wish we could hang out in real life. You'd be my favorite person ever.

Anonymous said...

good old fashioned 'pin (((hugs))) these past couple weeks i've been feeling exactly the same way--rock bottom, lonely, horrible mother, all of it. okay, i'd better post this now or it'll never get done. it's taken me an hour just to write this much. *sigh* you're not alone...and i know you'll make it through this rough patch. -Emily M.

Erin said...

Sacha, the Accuser whispers those same half-truths in my heart, too. But remember, its not up to us to be adequate - its in our weakness that the Lord's power is shown perfect. He knows you, loves you, and is for you! Don't be afraid to fall on Him in utter helplessness, He will be your strength!! Many, many ((((hugs))) and prayers, my sister in Christ!

Serina Cooper said...

Ok so first off, I'm so happy you're normal. It's true everyone must look at you as some type of superwoman with 6 kids .. and that's a lot for you to feel like you have to live up to .. so the best thing you can do is reveal to everyone that you are merely a mortal mother and everyone will feel much better lol. I feel exactly the same way as you do with the stress and the guilt and the 100 things hanging over my head to do and I don't have near as many problems as you do because I only have half the kids .. my laundry is manageable without needing color coding and picking up after 6 kids .. and it still irks me when it piles up in various stages, and 2 of my 3 kids are old enough to help keep things in order, its not all on me and its not times 6 .. so you having a rough time getting through the day with 6 little ones home full time is not only natural but to be expected. The fact that you get through the day is an accomplishment right now. The housework will eventually get done and the kids will eventually mature and they will have super memories of these years, regardless of whether you are building forts out of boxes for them or simply making sure no one disappears in the chaos. The more you let go of the ideal situation with you being a Jon and Kate plus 8 tidy kept family the easier time you'll have with everything.

And secondly .. when you say you have 6 kids, a husband and a + ... what does that mean? Cause knowing you I only take that one way...

dailyhalfdozen said...

Thanks so much you guys. I really needed to say all that to someone, and to have your loving, prayerful support means so much. Things are a lot better now. Still overwhelmed but since we're away from daily life right now, things aren't too bad.

Serina-seriously LOL'ed @ that! The + is my niece that I keep a couple of full days a week and 2-3 mornings as well.