It's days like this I feel like such a failure as a Mother. I don't know why people seem to think I'm this great mother. I really am not. In fact, I think I'm far lower on the scale. I don't cook for them, I am horrible at cleaning for them, I'm not even good at playing with them. Lately I feel like all I do is chase them around and yell at them.
Sadly, that's pretty close to the truth these days, not nearly enough exaggeration in there to make me feel better. David has been out of town so I've been flying solo. Add to that the fact that he gets in late tonight and we are leaving for a trip out of town for a week tomorrow morning. Recipe for disaster. I tell the kids to do something. I go to another kid to tell them to do something and by the time I get back to the first kid I find out that she didn't do anything I asked her to do. Seriously, it has been absolutely ridiculous how horribly disobedient they have been this week. They haven't behaved even remotely like themselves.
I have failed miserably. I have lost my temper more times than I can count. I hate to lose my temper. My Mom was an awesome Mom, so involved and played with us and did the coolest things for us, but that was her big pitfall as well. I have inherited her temper. I am aware of it, but that doesn't seem to help me corral it. I have had at least three sobbing breakdowns this week in front of my kids. I don't ever want to be this out of control and I'm not sure why I am. I've spent a lot of time in prayer this week as well. I know that God is there, but I feel so alone.
I guess everyone thinks I've got it all together and I don't need help, but I do. I feel like I am drowning and I will never catch up. I'm lonely too. I don't' have anyone I spend time with. I couldn't even if I wanted to because I don't have time, and they sure can't come in the house with it like this. I wish I had a Mom to turn to. I don't even feel like I have a family right now. David's family all works and are very busy people so we don't get to do much with them. My family doesn't remember I even exist unless David and I drive the halfdozen down the 12 hours to see them.
I'm clearly hormon and emotional lately and feel like this has to be rock bottom. Every time I feel like this has to be it though, I fall again. Please pray for me. I know God can get me through this and I'll come out the other side stronger, but in the meantime, I hurt. Physically and emotionally. This is me. Allowing vulnerability. Take note-it very seldom happens. Maybe that's God's plan in this, do help me learn to be more open and share my struggles. i don't know, but I know that God has blessed me with this family and he chose me, as undeserving and ill equipped as I am to have them, and I will try to lean on Him to become the Mother he would have me be.